Sirius's Letter
by OhShizNit
Summary: After Sirius makes a huge mistake, Remus dumps him. Will a heartfelt letter be enough to convince Remus to take him back? And what's this new discovery Sirius has made about Remus? Based off of "Radames' Letter" from Aida. R/S


As you can probably tell from reading it, this is a Remus/Sirius piece that is based off of Radames' Letter from Aida

**As you can probably tell from reading it, this is a Remus/Sirius piece that is based off of Radames' Letter from Aida. I've noticed that I really like doing two things. I like to use lyrics from songs for letters/diary entries and I like writing flashbacks. Scratch that; I LOVE writing flashbacks. They're fun and make me feel warm and fuzzy and like I just snogged Sirius.**

So read it. Enjoy it. Let me know what you think.

**Disclaimer: Yes, I own Sirius, Remus, and James. I handcuff them all together and make them be my personal slaves. Oh wait….no. That's only in my fantasy world. In reality, I don't own any of it……**

**Sirius's Letter**

Sirius stared at the blank piece of parchment in front of him. His quill was poised above the paper, waiting for him to write something, but he was drawing a complete blank as to what to say. He'd spent weeks avoiding this letter and it was now coming back to bite him in the arse. Growing frustrated at his inability to compose his feelings into words, he chucked the quill at the wall in front of him and ran a hand distractedly through his black hair. Noticing which quill he'd thrown, he quickly picked it up to make sure it wasn't damaged. Remus had given it to him at the beginning of exams the year before. Remus.

It had been over six weeks since Sirius had last spoken to his boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend, he corrected himself. He had tried to fix things between the two of them, but he never could. The first few days after their fight, whenever he would go near Remus, the other boy had glared at him and told him to go away and leave him alone. After that, whenever Sirius would start to approach, Remus would look up at him and Sirius would retreat after seeing how much hurt was in the amber eyes that he loved so much. He had thought those glances were the worst punishment he would ever receive. If only he'd known that soon, Remus wouldn't even look at him. It was as if Sirius didn't even exist to him. Horrible pangs of guilt would grip him and he would have to use all his self-control not to throw himself at Remus's feet and beg forgiveness. He'd tried that before, right after The Incident. It hadn't worked on Remus then and Sirius doubted it would work any time after that. Besides, it was now the summer holiday and Sirius wasn't going to see Remus at anytime in which he could grovel at his former lover's feet.

Even James, Sirius's best friend in the whole entire world, was siding with Remus. For the first week after everything had happened, James wouldn't speak to Sirius, but he had gradually cooled off. However, he had informed Sirius that until Remus chose to forgive him, he in turn would not completely forgive him. James had been true to his word, and even though they still remained on good terms, there was a definite coolness between them. Although James ate meals with him and would work with him during classes, more often than not, Sirius was left on his own. Being the social butterfly that he was, this had been quite difficult on him.

Sirius glanced down at the parchment again, hoping that the words had magically appeared on the paper since the last time he'd looked. Not surprisingly, it was still blank. Sirius rubbed at his eyes to fight sleep off. He checked the clock next to him; it was two-thirty in the morning. His mind dimly told him that he should just go to sleep and try to write the letter in the morning. One more day of silence from Remus wasn't likely to kill him, was it? Besides, it wasn't even guaranteed that this letter would sway Remus. Actually, in all likelihood, it wouldn't change Remus's mind at all. He'd probably take one look at who the letter was from and toss it into the fire. Or worse, he would read it and still not care. Sirius certainly wouldn't blame him. He had been the worst boyfriend in the world. He'd been supposed to care for and protect Remus, but instead, he had betrayed him. Sirius was Remus's own personal Judas.

Just like it had been doing on a regular basis for the last six weeks, the memory of that horrible day flashed through Sirius's mind.

--  
_Sirius paced in front of Remus's hospital bed. His lover would soon be waking up and he would no longer be able to put off the confrontation he knew was coming. He'd have to explain everything that had happened the night before and in doing so, break Remus's heart. He wouldn't blame Remus if he never wanted to see him again. Sirius knew he certainly would never want to see himself again. He blew his hair out of his face in frustration. He was in deep shit._

He heard a deep groan coming from the bed and he immediately turned to see Remus coming out of his heavy stupor. Rushing immediately to the young werewolf's side, Sirius clasped a warm hand in his own. Remus's fingers automatically tightened around his own. Sirius treasured the gesture of affection; it would probably be the last one he'd ever receive from Remus. Looking up from the hand resting so comfortably in his own, Sirius met a pair of amber eyes staring at him.

"Hey, you're awake," Sirius said softly. "How do you feel?"

"Awful," Remus replied as he stretched his sore muscles. "But that's normal. What isn't normal is the feeling of complete and utter dread after the transformation." He looked up to Sirius to see if he could explain it, but Sirius wouldn't meet his gaze. "Sirius, what's wrong? Did something happen last night?"

Sirius closed his eyes briefly. This was it. "Remus, you know I care about you, right? You're the most important person in my life. I'd never intentionally do something to hurt you. I want you to know that. These past two months have been amazing."

"I know. Sirius, what happened? You're starting to scare me."

"Something did happen last night. You see….I…what I mean to say is….fuck, this isn't easy!" Sirius stammered at first.

"Just tell me what it is. I'm sure it can't be as bad as you think it is," Remus tried to reason with him.

"Trust me, it is as bad as I think it is. Do you remember anything about last night?" Sirius questioned. Remus shook his head, so he continued. "After you went to the Shrieking Shack to change, I ran into Snape in the hallway. He started to say things about you; horrible things. He said that you were a weakling and that he'd met tougher first years and that I should be ashamed to ever associate myself with someone like you. He said a lot of worse stuff too; stuff I won't repeat. Anyway, I got so mad at him for saying those things about you. Snape can normally make me mad, but never like this. I completely lost my temper. I wanted to hit him so badly, but I knew that I could never hit him hard enough for it to actually matter. What I wanted was to prove him wrong. I wanted him to know that you aren't weak because of everything you have to deal with. You are this incredibly strong, amazing, wonderful person and he should envy you. And so….I did something bad."

"Sirius, what did you do?" Remus wasn't frowning yet, but he certainly wasn't smiling. He had that little worry line between his eyes that Sirius normally loved to kiss away.

"I wasn't thinking straight, Remmie. The only thing I could think about was proving him wrong!"

"Sirius, what did you do?"

"I never would have done it if I was thinking clearly!"

"Sirius Black! What DID you do? Remus was frowning now.

"I told Snape that if he really wanted to see how 'weak' you were, he should go to the Whomping Willow, press the knot at the bottom of the trunk, and then follow the tunnel. A few minutes after he left, I realized what I'd done and I told James. He went after Snape."

All the color had drained from Remus's face. His eyes had widened and he was staring at Sirius with a look of absolute horror. "You didn't……..."

"I did. If it weren't for James….."

"…..Snape would have run into a fully grown werewolf who would rip him limb from limb," Remus finished for him.

"_Well, I was going to put it more subtly, but you seem to get the picture. Remmie,__ I am so sorry! I wasn't thinking when I did it! I know that's not an excuse, but it's true. I can't possibly tell you how sorry I am!"_

Remus stared at Sirius, before speaking softly. "I don't believe you."

"Remmie, I'm sorry."

"No, I don't believe it. You couldn't have done it. You're lying to me. Why you're doing it, I don't know, but you're lying." He had a look of grim determination on his face. He was not going to believe it.

Sirius tightened his grip on Remus's hand and brought it to his heart. "I wish that were true. I wish I was lying. But I'm not. I'm telling you the truth."

"No! Stop lying to me!" Remus raised his voice.

"Remus, I'm not lying to you!" Remus pulled away from him, but Sirius reached and grabbed the sides of his face. "Remus, look at me." Remus tried to jerk away, but at the moment, Sirius was the stronger of the two. He managed to get Remus to look at him. Tears were welling up in the amber eyes. "Look at me. I'm not lying to you."

Remus stared into Sirius's eyes, searching for the truth. Apparently, he saw it because he gasped and his eyes widened in horror. Sirius sat back in the chair, waiting for his world to fall apart. They stared at each other for a long time, the silence harsh and unbearable between them.

"Sirius… How could you?" Remus finally whispered.

"I told you, Remmie. I wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted to prove him wrong so much."

"He could have DIED! I could have killed him!" Remus was slowly becoming furious.

"I know."

"Do you know what would have happened? I could have been expelled or sent to Azkaban!"

"I know."

"You betrayed me!" Sirius jerked his gaze up from where he'd been staring at the floor. The look that Remus was giving him cut him to the soul. The hurt and betrayal in that one single look could never be described with words.

"I know," Sirius said softly.

"Is that all that you can say? _'I know'?" __Remus was shouting now._

"I'm sorry."

"I don't understand, Sirius. I thought you cared about me. How could you do that to me? Snape could tell my secret to everyone! I'll be ruined!" Remus sounded as if he was going to burst into tears at any moment.

"Snape won't tell anyone. Dumbledore had a talk with him. And I know what I did was unforgivable. I don't have an excuse. I made a mistake."

"Damn right you did!" Remus's hand was lying on top of the covers and Sirius reached to take it, but Remus jerked it away. "Don't touch me. I don't want you to ever touch me or look at me again. We're over, Sirius. Do you understand me? Over!"

"Even as friends?" He'd known that it was coming, but it still hurt. He held onto the slim hope that they could still be friends.

"You're not my friend, Sirius. Friends don't do this to one another," Remus turned away from Sirius.

"Remmie, I'm sorry!"

"No, Sirius!" Remus was still facing away from Sirius, his back rigid as if he could block Sirius's entire existence out.

"Moony…." It was a wild card, but it was all he had. Either it would make Remus realize how much they had together or it would make him even angrier.

_ "Mr. Black, I would appreciate it if you would not address me so informally. In the future, I suggest you refer to me by my surname, Lupin. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get some rest. Have a nice life, Mr. Black." __He looked away from Sirius to hide the tears._

"Remus, please!" Sirius laid his hand on the other _boy's__ shoulder. Remus reacted as if he'd been burned._

"Don't touch me!" He turned now to glare at Sirius. "Just go away! Leave me alone!"

There was nothing else but to do as Remus asked and hope that he would calm down in time.

Feeling his heart shattering into thousands of little pieces, Sirius cast Remus one last apologetic look and left the hospital wing.

--

Sirius wiped away the tear that was gliding down his face. He had completely screwed things up with Remus. There was no way to win him back. Sirius didn't even know why he was bothering to write this letter in the first place. Remus had made it quite clear that he didn't want anything to do with Sirius. Shouldn't Sirius just respect his wishes and leave him alone? Sirius took a deep breath to clear away the negative thoughts. No, he needed to write this letter. Even if Remus didn't read it, Sirius would still feel better knowing that he'd at least made the effort to fix their relationship. He had to get all of the things he wanted to say onto paper so that there was at least a chance that Remus would read it. If only Sirius knew exactly what he wanted to say….

As he had been recalling the details of their fight, Sirius once again realized everything that had gone terribly wrong. It was something that he'd figured out a few days afterwards when the events had been on a constant replay in his mind. He'd realized that he had gone about the situation all wrong and said all the wrong things. He hadn't said the important things that Remus needed to know.

He was suddenly struck by a thought of brilliance. That's what he should write in the letter. Feeling inspired, he dipped his quill into the ink and wrote in his best handwriting, the kind Remus liked.

_I'm sorry for everything I've said and for anything I forgot to say too_

It was a good start, but where should he go from there? Should he list everything wrong that he'd said and all the things he should say? No. That would only remind Remus of everything that had gone wrong. Besides, he was pretty sure that Remus knew what those things were.

He wished that he knew the perfect way to get Remus back. If only there were a spell that could magically make him know exactly what to say to charm his way back into Remus's heart. Sirius smirked at the thought of what that spell would be called. "Un-Fuckius Maximus" he muttered under his breath.

Hmmm….he should tell Remus all the good things about himself that Sirius loved. It would prove to him that he really did care.

_You're so incredibly amazing and smart. I know I can't compare to you, but I wish you could see how much you mean to me. If only there were some way I could….  
_  
Sirius broke off there. This wasn't what he should be saying. It sounded like he was trying to suck up to Remus; that would be the number one way NOT to get him back. He quickly muttered an erasing spell and watched as the offending words vanished off the paper.

Everyone perceived Remus to be this great intellectual, but other than himself, James, and Lily, not many people realized that there was another side to him. Even Peter, who claimed to be one of Remus's best friends, didn't fully comprehend Remus's romantic side. But then again, Peter didn't comprehend a lot of things. Sirius snickered at that thought; poor Peter really was an idiot at times. Back to Remus, though. If Sirius wanted to win him back, he'd have to play to Remus's romantic side. He needed to make him realize how much Sirius needed him. Without him, all Sirius could do was stumble through life blindly.

Realizing that might be something good to add, he picked up the quill and wrote again.

_When things get so complicated, I stumble; at best, muddle through._

Things did get complicated quite often. They were wizards, for Merlin's sake! When were things NOT complicated? Sirius often woke up in the morning with the distinct feeling that he was going to be in for one hell of a day. That feeling was more increasing now there were all of these strange occurrences happening. No one would actually come out and say it, but everyone knew that a new dark wizard had risen; a wizard even more powerful and dangerous than Grindelwald had ever been. The name of this new dark wizard wasn't even spoken aloud. All anyone ever called him was You-Know-Who. Unfortunately, every one DID know who.

For the past year, Sirius had been in turmoil with himself over the dark events going on. All his family had ever talked about before he ran away the previous summer was about how wonderful this new dark lord was. He wanted to rid the wizarding world of Muggles, something the Black family had agreed with for centuries. Even though anyone with half a brain could tell that Sirius wasn't anything like his family, a lot of people still thought that he agreed with his family. The people who were actually blunt enough to say it to his face normally ended up being held up by their underwear from the top of the astronomy tower.

Sirius could have put up with his parents agreeing with You-Know-Who and people thinking he agreed with them. True, it hurt, but it was bearable. However, there were two things that had sprung up because of all these dark occurrences that upset Sirius more than anything. The first thing was that his little brother, Regulus, had joined the ranks of Death Eaters. It wasn't a well known fact, but Sirius did love his brother very much. When they had been much younger, the two of them had actually been close. It wasn't until Sirius had gone to Hogwarts that they began drifting apart. Regulus had become his mother's perfect son when he entered Slytherin and there was no longer anything to hold them together except the bond of brotherhood. Sirius desperately hoped that no harm would come to his baby brother.

The second thing that had upset Sirius was the effect that all of this had on Remus. With him being a "dark creature", everyone who knew he was a werewolf automatically assumed that he sided with You-Know-Who. Along with himself, of all the people that Sirius knew, Remus was the least likely to join the ranks of someone who wanted to destroy Muggles. It was actually something that used to draw Remus and Sirius closer in their relationship. More than one night had found them holed up under the covers of Sirius's bed discussing how everyone was wrong in their perception of them.

Recalling those times, Sirius felt the corner of his eyes moisten with held back tears. If only everything in life wasn't so complicated! Things would be so much better if he and Remus could run off to secret little place where there were no Snapes, You-Know-Whos, or any other problems! All he wanted was Remus. Nothing else mattered.

Picking up his quill, Sirius quickly wrote those thoughts down before they escaped him.

_ I wish that our lives could be simple. I don't want the world; only you._

It was the honest to Merlin truth! He didn't want anything in life but Remus. It didn't matter if Remus didn't want him. It might tear him to pieces to do it, but all Sirius wanted was for Remus to be happy If that wasn't with him….then so be it. Sirius would simply have to be content with caring for Remus from afar. Damn, there were those tears at the corners of his eyes again!

He rubbed the edge of his robe against his watering eyes and scowled at the letter. It sounded good so far, but what else could he possible put in it? If only he could make Remus realize how incomplete he was without him. In the past weeks that they'd been apart, it had felt like Sirius was walking around with a gaping hole in his chest, exactly where his heart used to be. Nothing could ever fill that place again besides Remus. No one else could ever make his insides completely turn to liquid just by walking in the room. Only Remus had ever been able to make his cares completely disappear simply by kissing him. Sirius gazed fondly off into space as he thought about their first kiss.

It had been absolutely magical. Sirius had been bored and begged Remus to entertain him. However, Remus had been busy writing an essay (one that Sirius had conveniently forgotten all about) and had refused to give into Sirius's wishes. He'd finally told Sirius that if he really wanted to, he could accompany him to the library. Having nothing better to do, Sirius had agreed. Once they had arrived in the library, Sirius had tried to prove useful by looking things up for Remus. They'd been sitting there innocently enough until Remus had asked Sirius to come and look at something. Sirius had leaned over Remus's shoulder to read the passage that Remus was pointing over. All of the sudden, he'd realized exactly how close they were and looked down to see Remus staring up at him. That was the first time he had truly noticed the beautiful color of Remus's eyes. Hardly knowing what he was doing, he had leaned down and kissed Remus. Much to his surprise, Remus immediately returned the kiss. They'd been together ever since.

Simply thinking about their first kiss made Sirius long for Remus. He would give anything to have his lover here with him instead of writing this stupid letter to him. If only he could just sit down with Remus and tell him everything in his heart! It would be so much easier. For some reason, things were always easier to say when he was looking into Remus's face. It was almost as if those beautiful amber orbs were a pathway, a gate of sorts, into Sirius's heart. If Sirius could actually just talk to Remus, he knew that he wouldn't struggle for words, such as he was doing with the letter. The words would flow freely from him. But there just never seemed to be a time or place to catch Remus alone so that he could talk to him

Sirius rubbed his eyes angrily and stared at the parchment in front of him. So far, he had three whole lines written down. Something told him that this was going to be the shortest letter he'd ever written. But then, that was probably to be expected. How could he possibly ever compose his feelings for Remus and the immense grief and regret he felt into words? Impossible! Just write from your heart and you'll manage, Sirius thought to himself. He just needed to write from the heart. Going with that idea, he quickly penned something down on the parchment.

_I wish I could tell you this face to face, but there's never the time, never the place._

Sirius resigned himself to the fact that this letter was simply going to have to do and quickly wrote it down.

_So this letter will have to do._

He looked down at the letter. He really didn't see what else there was to say. However, the letter just didn't quite feel complete yet. It needed something to end it. Sirius racked his brain uselessly. He didn't know what more he could say to convince Remus. He chocked back a yawn and folded his arms and laid his head down on the table as he thought. What he wouldn't give to not have to write this letter! There's nothing he wouldn't do to be able to tell Remus all of this to his face. He would go to Hell and back just to prove the depth of his feelings. He would battle each and everyone of his nightmare just to show Remus he cared, because none of those horrors could ever compare to a lifetime without Remus.

Sirius would rather spend an entire lifetime in Azkaban then spend one more minute without Remus. For just one more kiss, one more touch, Sirius would happily let the Ministry cart him off to the hellhole. If Remus would only forgive him, Sirius would willingly do the most dangerous thing he could think of. He would tell Lily he thought she was pretty. Not only would Lily bitch slap him into eternity for being an insolent bugger, James would murder him quite thoroughly. On second thought, perhaps he should tell Lily she was pretty. Death was preferable to this meaningless void of a life. Sirius smirked as he thought of the one action that would truly prove his affections. For Remus, Sirius would do the most unspeakable of all acts. He would talk to his mother. That would surely convince Remus that he loved him!

Sirius jerked up from the table. That was it! The puzzle piece that explained his feelings for Remus and that finished his letter had been found! He loved Remus. This sent a wave of emotion over Sirius that he couldn't quite identify. He thought it was fear, but it could have been joy. Happily, he realized it was the latter. A huge smile broke over his face as he thought about his new discovery. He loved Remus! He LOVED Remus! He was madly, head-over-heels, completely, and utterly in love with Remus! Of course, he'd always been in love with him before, but he'd never known it! Sirius couldn't believe it! How had he possibly been in love with such an amazing creature and never realized it? This was exactly what he needed to tell Remus! If the fact that Sirius loved him didn't convince Remus, nothing would. Excitedly, Sirius wrote down the amazing new discovery.

_ I love you._

He stared at the words on the page. They were like gold to him. He waited a few minutes to make sure that the ink had dried before he leaned down and kissed the glorious truth in front of him.

"What the hell are you doing?" Sirius jumped a foot in the air as he heard the familiar voice of his best friend behind him. He turned around to see James leaning against the doorframe. "I know it's four o'clock in the morning and I could just be dreaming, but I could have sworn I just saw you snogging a piece of parchment."

"Shut up, James. I was not snogging a piece of parchment," Sirius defended himself. James raised an eyebrow at Sirius as he made his way over and sat on the bed next to Sirius's desk.

"Then what….ugh…were you doing?" James inquired as he attempted to stifle a yawn.

"I was writing Remus a letter," Sirius retorted. That got James's attention. His eyes widened in surprise and all traces of sleep were gone. However, after the initial surprise, a worried look came over his face. Sirius narrowed his eyes at James. "What?"

James smiled half-heartedly and put his hand on Sirius's shoulder. "I know you care about him, mate, but don't you think that maybe it's time to give up? I don't think he's ready to forgive you and a letter's not going to change that. Maybe it's time you moved on."

Sirius glared at James and threw off the hand on his shoulder. Seeing James recoil from his action, Sirius tried to relax. "I can't do that, James. I can't move on from him. You don't understand….this is it for me. James…I love him." A huge grin broke out on his face. He loved saying that!

James looked at him perplexed. "Are you serious?" He grimaced. "No name jokes!"

Sirius laughed at James' reaction. "Don't worry, I wasn't going to make a name joke. And yes, I am serious. I love him. I love him with every single part of me. I…I told him that I love him in my letter."

"You did?"

"Yeah. I'd show it to you, but it's kind of personal." Sirius smirked. James punched him in the arm jokingly.

"I know that, you twit! So are you done with it?" James tried to peer over Sirius's shoulder to see the letter. He must have gotten a glimpse of it, because he remarked, "I think that's the shortest letter I've ever seen"

"I know it's short. That's because it's impossible for me to ever put my feelings for him into words. The kind of words I'd need, they don't exist," Sirius answered in all seriousness.

James was silent for a moment. "Wow, Padfoot. I think that's the deepest thing I've ever heard you say. You really must love him."

Sirius smiled again. "Yeah, I do."

"Well, I'm happy for you. Just…." James paused for a moment as he thought of how best to phrase his next statement. "Don't set yourself up for disappointment. Remus is really mad at you for what you did. You really hurt him."

The smiled faded from Sirius' face. "I know. I regret every day that I hurt him. That's going to be my cross to bear for the rest of my life. Knowing that I hurt him….it tears me up inside."

"I know. And if there's anything I can do to help, let me know," James offered.

"Actually, I was wondering if I could use your owl. Remus won't open it if I use Apollo."

"Yeah, you can use Quaffle. He actually got back yesterday from delivering that letter to April. If you're done with your letter, he can take it now."

"I just need to sign it. It'll be ready to go then." As James left to go and get his owl, Sirius scrawled his name at the bottom and rolled the letter up. James returned a few minutes later with his huge barn owl. Sirius tied the letter to its' leg and watched as it soared out of the window and into the sky. His heart was being carried in that letter and he felt a pang in his chest. What if Remus didn't read the letter? He'd never know how Sirius felt about him. Sirius sighed as he sat down on the bed. All he could do was hope that Remus was willing to forgive him. That's all Sirius had at the moment. Hope.

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